By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
They grow up so quick
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
