By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
