Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Anarchy

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.