by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
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somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
somebody come look at this
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.