by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.