Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.