By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
mood
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Alexa turn off the planet
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Is this anything
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.