By the age of 20 you should have

1. $10 in your account

2. a bad relationship story

3. a knee pain

4. anxiety

5. back pain

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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time


[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]

INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?

INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm


30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”


eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represenβ€” is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading


Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness


*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3


What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.


Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”


“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”


When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.