*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
By the age of 20 you should have
1. $10 in your account
2. a bad relationship story
3. a knee pain
5. back pain
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[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]
INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?
INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm
30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.