@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 20 you should have

1. $10 in your account

2. a bad relationship story

3. a knee pain

4. anxiety

5. back pain

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

@animadvertguy

[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]

INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?

INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm

@TheTweetOfGod

30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”

@ellewasamistake

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represenβ€” is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

@AlfKilledMyCat

Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness

@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.