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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
tis the season
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him