By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
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Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?