By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.