By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
💀💀
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
