By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.