By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.