By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
lol
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once