By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Kids, do not try this at home!