By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Finally
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.