By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
