By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.