Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”