By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.![]()
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so