By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Gods work.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then