By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree


There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.


“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”


To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”



~me, drunk, at a wax museum


[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved


(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years


I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.