By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You Might Also Like
Never let them know your next move 😂
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
This is my pinned tweet
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person