By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You Might Also Like
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
are they though??
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!