By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Heroic Misunderstanding
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt