By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Sooo many times…..
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.