By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
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Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Story time
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
thinking about a very short hotdog
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
