By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
see next tweet for some translations
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*