By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*