By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
The best plant holders?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?