By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.