By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Oh we’ve met.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.