Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

sry

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.