Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

OH. COME. ON.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.