Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

AM I BEING GASLIT????

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.