By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You Might Also Like
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
🤯🤯🤯
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.