Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?