Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

Bill is short for Billiam

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.