Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks