Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough