Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t