Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Ah..makes sense now

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.