By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
You Might Also Like
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds