@DadBeard

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

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@GrantTanaka

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

@MichaelTrying

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

@ArfMeasures

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

@envydatropic

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@LaziestCanine

“911 what’s your emergency”
IM DYING
“what happened”
I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES
“lol pics or didn’t happen”

@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.