By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait