Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.