By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked