Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Introverted vegans go meetless

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

#parenting

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming