By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You Might Also Like
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once