Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh