By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You Might Also Like
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Most fashion shows these days…
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Terribly Tuesday.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Smooooooth
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.