By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I have questions??
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.