“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.