Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

adam and eve had first world problems

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

love it when they get my name right

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Every damn time

#ParentingFacts

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.