my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs