Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

the answer was staring at me all along

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

Last-minute gift idea!

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?