by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
at ease…shoulder.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all