By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…