By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite