(by @ZachWeiner )
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Rt to bother an English speaker
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
January has been Januweary
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.