(by @ZachWeiner )
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m never leaving this app.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test