(by @ZachWeiner )
You Might Also Like
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Nomnomnomnom
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]