Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
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me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
You can’t rush stupid.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity