Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
You Might Also Like
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
making sure he doesnt get away
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I hope Alan is OK
per my last wtf
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”