Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
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Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”