Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this