Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*