Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Lube but for my dry humor.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.