Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.