Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

🤭😂

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!