C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed