C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I did not eat the cake…
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
United Steaks of America
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.