Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
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me after drinking all the wine:
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on