Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
You Might Also Like
the dark web is just a goth google.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”