Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
You Might Also Like
gender is a sprctrum
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I have never related to a cat more
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
