cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I need better friends
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013