Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I’m turning the tables on “big beef” and from here on out I’m only eating beef fed grass!

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace