cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!