cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
This trial is so absurd 😭
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Damn he played himself