cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
LOL
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]