Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

😂😂

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN