Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
can i punch you in the face but like romantically?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub