Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*