Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Tastes like chicken.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
this is so top tier i cant
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.