Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.